Me at the moment. Caught in circles.

I'll be frank with you folks. My spiritual life is stagnate. i feel stagnate. caught in sin, inaction, conscienceless-ness, and apathy. Ive felt dead inside the past few weeks. i had a fantastic thanksgiving, and had wonderful times with friends. i had a girl break my heart and my grandma say she was proud of me (when i know darn well she's no reason to be) and still kept my spiritual chin held high, with my "fine" mask on. well, tonight, the mask is coming off, you get to hear about my daily struggles, how unworthy i am of grace, and how much of a lustful beast i am.

you may remember our friend ryan. He is currently working on starting the "Prayer is poetry" ministry, you may also remember that he wrote our new song "circles." Weeks after receiving the lyrics from him i find them holding more and more true to my life as the days go by, so i will be breaking them down and showing you how they have been applying to my current circumstances.

"Circles"

This conversation

Is going nowhere

My tongue tied in knots

And I'm too scared

I've stopped and looked at where ive been heading, and cried out to God for help, i cant find the words, i cant be honest with myself and cant be honest with because im so ashamed of poor an example of christ i am. I've grown too afraid to ask for his help, thinking, "he's not listening. youre not worth it."

If I say, I'm sorry, will this go away?

I am guilty, I am nothing, I am everything I hate 

No amount of me saying sorry is going to make up for me continuing to not do anything about my sin. and i HATE, genuinely HATE myself for it. sometimes i think we cant forgive ourselves. just jesus.

I've been here

wasting away

Set in a course

to return to this place

Holding on

To letting go

My mind is sick

But they will never know

this is the first time. nothing's ever the first time with sin, we fall in and out of it, thats the test is staying faithful through the peaks and valleys of life. I'm trying so hard to let jesus have everything of me but ive been so discouraged lately, I'm just like "eh" trying to get back to how ive felt in spiritual peaks of my life, but we cant get back, we move forward, we have to move forward. No one knows this about me. I put my "im fine" mask on. never opening up. trying to be with god and my troubles on my own. but god more than one person for a reason, community is so important to spiritual growth. I cant just sit and not say what i feel. that i feel i NEED a girl and that i cant get along without one, that for some reason im still unsatisfied in my blind human emotions with the awe and power of our king. See ya mask.

The walls begin to spin

But that doesn't affect me

It's the fact that I give in

To these thoughts I'm collecting

Spinning, condemning

I thought that I was living

I'm always left wanting more

I feel my life spiraling out of god's hands, i want him to grab on and not let me have. i want him to break my hands off the sin i cling to.

lust. easy word for christian guys to say when they are struggling with one of the devil's greatest tools.

porn. masturbation. fantasies. scary words that you dont like to say cause your aunt or grama might hear about the fact that you do something every man struggles with. (p.s. mema and dinee, sorry this is crass, but its honest.)

Lately i had been doing so good at resisting. gotten prideful. thinking it was me. no. it was the power of god. im useless without him. im having to retrain my mind to not even look at a female when i see a pair of skinnie jeans on a girl or a beanine and think "OOOOOO cute hipster girl." its a tough way to treat it, but theres no middle ground with the beast called lust. i tense my neck and twist in a way that hurts whenever my mind travels places it shouldnt, no matter what it is i might be doing, it can happen anywhere. im sick of giving in to these thoughts.

I've thought for the past few months that since i had found jesus that it would be smooth sailing from now on. once again, peaks and valleys. he has to be there through all of them.

We circulate

Like vultures

Over our prey

We waste away.

Our sinful nature feeds off of the good in us. the devil beats us down with doubt and what he knows gets us. and then we implode on ourselves. judging and condemning ourselves, forgetting the grace and power of jesus and our worth that can be found in him.

all i ask is you please lift me up in prayer. 

push doubt and discouragement out of our lives king jesus. we need your grace and mercy, and a heart that is not callouss to sin.

-bbb

"Good God can you still get us home?" -UO 

"We know that a person is made right with God not by following the law, but by trusting in Christ Jesus." - Galatians 2:16